I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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