Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
