if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
