i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
