Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
