you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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