grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
