Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
