This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
