glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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