hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
