I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
