I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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