textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
