good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
