My Higher Power is John Stamos
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
