i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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