he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
