is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
