it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
