so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
