dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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