someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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