I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
