I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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