You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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