He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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