you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Girls should come with a carfax report
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
