Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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