I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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