You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
