Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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