i already hear my dad disowning me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize