your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
