a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
