I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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