someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize