We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
