I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
