i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
