I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize