Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
