i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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