Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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