A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
