Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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