Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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