i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
