My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
