I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I believe in your delicious
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
