I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
