so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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