I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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