Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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