I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
