Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize